▢ Ice breaker tablets for awkward family introductions
▢ Stainless steel trash can (with a lock) for all unwanted opinions
▢ Non-stick boundaries so you don’t say “Oh, it’s fine!” when it absolutely isn’t
▢ 4-6 ultra-absorbent bath towels to brainwash that cousin who didn’t get an invite
▢ Noise-cancelling curtains soundproof against whispers, gasps, and judgment
▢ Ninja knife extra sharp to cut out in-laws’ tongues
▢ 1-2 emergency carry-on bags to escape in case of emotional turbulence
▢ Self-cleaning patience dispenser that refills after every “But at my wedding…”
▢ Dyson vacuum to suck up every unnecessary thought keeping you up at night
▢ Aging-elixir maker to avoid inconvenient comments about marrying “too young”
▢ A timer that limits advice on dress fitting to 30 seconds or less
▢ 2-4 pillows to muffle people who insist on sharing divorce statistics before the big day
▢ Alarm clock loud enough to wake relatives stuck on traditional marriage rules
▢ A first-aid kit for hurt feelings of guests who forget the wedding isn’t about them
▢ Doorbell camera with setting Scare Away Mother-in-Law
▢ Cuisinart slow cooker for boiling down the idea that cooking skills define a good spouse
▢ KitchenAid blender industrial strength to purée anyone trying to plan your wedding for you